Communication, interaction and involvement

Helpful materials > Communication, interaction and involvement

Most people find talking about cancer difficult. Some people prefer to avoid the subject, while others want to talk about it all the time. You may both be experiencing a range of emotions related to the cancer (e.g. fear, grief, anger, uncertainty) and this can make communication between you and with other people difficult.

This page will provide some answers to 6 common questions that many families dealing with cancer have regarding communication with each other:

  1. How can we talk about our concerns and needs?

  2. How do we recognize if we are having difficulties communicating?

  3. How should I talk to my children or grandchildren about the cancer?

  4. How can I talk with my parents?

  5. How can we remain close and intimate with each other?

  6. How can we talk to our healthcare providers?

Question 1: How can we talk about our concerns and needs?

Everyone communicates in a different way. For example, while some people do not mind talking about their emotions and feelings, others are less comfortable. Talking together can help you to understand one another better, but you should respect each other’s boundaries or preferences. If you are talking about something which may be sensitive, it is a good idea to check if the other person is happy to discuss it.

The following suggestions may help you to communicate better with one another. Choose the tips that work for you and try to practice them with each other regularly.

Adopt an open attitude

  • Set aside regular free time to talk. Caregivers, family and friends often see the cancer as a shared concern. So, everyone will benefit if you work as a team supporting each other and trying to solve problems together.

  • Communication is an ongoing process, not a one-off event. If you need to discuss a major concern you may want to think about how you can break it down into smaller, more manageable problems.

  • Open communication does not mean that you should talk about cancer all the time. It’s OK to keep certain ideas or feelings to yourself. Don’t let cancer dominate all your conversations, talk about other things as well.

Be receptive

  • Try to understand each other’s point of view, even if it very different to yours.

  • Be sensitive, before you speak consider how your language and comments might affect others.

  • Be aware of your posture and body language. By changing your posture, you can invite or discourage others from starting a conversation. For example, you can turn your body toward the person you’re talking to.

Be prepared

  • If you are worried about discussing a particular topic, it might help if you think about how you want to approach it beforehand. This allows you to organise your thoughts and come-up with ideas or suggestions. Preparing for a conversation and perhaps even making some notes about what you want to discuss can help you to say things that you might otherwise forget.

  • Use “I-messages”. These kinds of messages often begin with the statement: “I feel/think...”. They focus on what is bothering you. These kinds of messages can help to explain how you are feeling.

Occasionally, it may be a good idea to plan some ‘time to talk’. You may want to think about what you hope to achieve from these discussions. Is this a discussion where you want advice, or do you just want to get something off your chest? By stating, ‘I’m looking for advice on this’ it becomes to the other person what you are looking for during the conversation.

Do you want more tips for better communication about cancer?

This website provides information about cancer, the emotional effects of cancer, how to talk to someone with cancer and information about caring for someone with cancer. https://www.cancer.ie/about-us/cancer-resources-publications/coping-with-cancer-resources

Question 2: How do we recognize if we are having difficulties communicating?

Avoid misunderstandings!

When there are important decisions to be made, (e.g. choosing a particular treatment), we may think we know how the other person thinks. But misunderstandings are common. It is only by asking questions and discussing difficult subjects that we truly udnerstand how the other person feels. Asking clear questions can help you both to understand one another.

Communicating with one another can be challenging. Here are a few problems that can occur when communicating with each other. Take a look and then consider if any of them apply to you.

Misreading the discussion

People often give advice, assuming that this is what the other person wants. However, sometimes they may just want you to listen and be there for them. When you are having a conversation about the illness or how you are feeling, it is important to be clear about what you expect from the other person. This can be done by stating ‘I just want to get this off my chest ...’.

Being overprotective

Sometimes, people try to hide their feelings and concerns. They do not want to upset others or feel that they are being a burden. So, they try to protect their family and friends by not talking about the cancer or by changing the subject if it happens to come up. Although your intentions are good, this may lead to difficulties in the long term. Sharing your feelings, however difficult, can help to make sure that you are both supporting each other.

Being insensitive or taking our feelings out on others

Sometimes we can unintentionally say things that are blunt or hurtful. We may become frustrated and take our feelings out on others. We are also inclined to provide advice on how to solve particular situations. Sometimes it is more helpful to just listen to what the other person has to say. Being tactful and choosing your words carefully can help others to feel that they are listened to and understood.

Existing problems

You may have some other problems (not connected with the cancer) that make communication between the two of you difficult. Try to set aside old conflicts (at least for a little while). This will allow you to concentrate on the cancer and communicate clearly with each other.

Avoiding talking about sensitive subjects

Many people find sensitive subjects such as intimacy or end-of-life care difficult to discuss. We are often afraid that talking about these difficult subjects will upset the other person. We understand that talking about these subjects may well be uncomfortable, but it may ease frustrations, uncertainties and help to reduce worries.

Question 3: How can we talk to our children or grandchildren about the cancer?

Adult children

  • Give information about your illness to help them cope with their feelings.

  • Involve them in the decision-making process about the treatments or activities you want to keep on doing. They could make useful contributions.

  • Discuss how they might be able to help without neglecting their other responsibilities.

  • Try to spend time with them and create some precious memories.

Do you want to know more about how to talk about cancer with children?

Helping your children to cope with cancer: https://www.cancer.ie/about-us/cancer-resources-publications/children-and-cancer-resources#sthash.A4dWO2mM.dpbs%20

Should we tell our children or grandchildren about the cancer? How do we tell them? How will they react? Are they too young?
There are no right or wrong answers to any of these questions. Each family is different. As a parent or grandparent, you probably have a good understanding of how best to approach this situation. However, here are some tips that other families have found helpful.

Young children

  • Listen and be attentive to their feelings, this will give you an idea as to what you should discuss.

  • Communicate feelings as well as facts.

  • Give simple, honest answers and explain where necessary.

  • Explain what will happen and offer realistic hope (e.g., that the family can still

    enjoy time together).

  • Do not make promises you cannot keep.

  • Assure them that they are not the cause of the illness.

  • Keep routines as normal as possible and maintain the same rules.

  • Give extra physical and verbal expressions of love. Children can become angry

    or withdrawn.

Teenagers

  • Encourage them to talk about their feelings but understand that they will perhaps find it easier to talk with friends, teachers or someone else.

  • Help them learn how to express their feelings in other ways, e.g., through music, sport, a diary...

  • Discuss role changes in the family.

  • Keep to routines as much as possible regarding school, homework, hobbies, ...

  • Give them the necessary information to find out more about cancer and where

    to go with their questions.

Question 4: How can I talk with my parents?

Talking to your parents about cancer can be very difficult. You may feel that you don’t want to worry them or be an inconvenience. Your parents may feel powerless and overwhelmed. Regardless of your age, you are still their child and most parents have a powerful urge to protect their children. This will be a difficult period for them.

  • You can help your parents to talk about your diagnosis by trying to understand what information they need. You could do this by providing basic information and invite them to ask questions.

  • Consider talking openly and honestly about how you feel. Perhaps you do not want to upset your parents, but an open discussion will also allow them to express their emotions. Let them know that they can talk to you about how they are feeling if they need to.

  • In addition to talking about what you need, you can also let them know when you would like more independence or privacy so that you can make your own decisions.

You should be aware that certain cancers and treatments can make intimacy difficult as even the slightest touch can feel uncomfortable.

Over time, you may experience issues around intimacy or sexuality. You can try to solve these issues yourselves, but sometimes this can be difficult. If you have any concerns you should feel free to discuss these with your doctor or consultant; they are trained to help you with these types of concerns.

What you can do

  • As a first step you should consider discussing your concerns around intimacy with your partner. Try to tell each other what your needs are.

  • Try to be patient. It may take some time for you to find a way to be intimate with one another.

  • Remember there are non-sexual forms of intimacy such as holding hands or massage.

Do you want to know more about the effect of cancer on intimacy and sexuality?

For specific questions on this subject you can always consult your attending doctor or care-provider. He or she can offer you directional help, also taking your personal situation into account.

Intimacy means different things to different people, but you may find that your intimate relationships can come under strain following a cancer diagnosis or when caring for someone with cancer. Many factors are involved, treatment side-effects, time pressures, a lack of energy, feeling uncertain about the future, financial worries, practical concerns and feeling socially isolated. All these issues can have an impact on your feelings toward one another, including feelings of intimacy and sexuality.

You may find that intimacy is less important to you at this time because you have other things to think about. On the other hand, you may feel a greater need for intimacy. Intimacy does not necessarily mean sex; physical contact, such as holding hands or massages, can also allow you to feel close to one another.

Question 5: How can we remain close and intimate with each other?

Question 6: How can we talk to our healthcare provider?

Talking with a healthcare professional isn’t always easy. Some people feel intimidated by the use of medical terms whilst others may feel that healthcare professionals are too busy to answer their questions or listen to their concerns. Below are some tips you might find helpful.

Write down your questions

When you have an appointment with a healthcare provider, it might be helpful
to write down some questions in advance. This can help you to remember the questions that you want answered. It can also help to make you both feel that you have contributed to developing the care plan.

Try to avoid going to appointments on your own

Often, a lot of information is provided during medical appointments. This can be too much for one person to process or remember. Try to make sure that someone always goes with you to appointments. They can be a useful source of support as well as helping you to remember everything that is discussed.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions

Some people don’t like to ask questions during their medical appointments. Sometimes we may feel that our questions are stupid and will waste time. You shouldn’t be concerned. Your healthcare provider will probably have answered the question many times before and won’t mind explaining things to you.

Repeat the information back to your doctor

This will help you to absorb what you have been told and will help the doctor to judge if you have understood what you have been told.

Be honest about your concerns

Don’t be afraid to bring up any symptoms or concerns that are bothering you, even if it’s embarrassing. Your doctor’s job is to help you to feel better. It is very unlikely that you will be the first person to discuss a particular problem with them.

Below are some questions to help you make the most out of your appointments.

  • ‘Sorry, I’m just not following you. Can you explain that in another way?’

  • Can you help me understand ...?

  • I’m not sure you really heard how concerned I am about this.

  • I understand that all treatments have risks and benefits. Can you help me

    compare these to other treatments?’

  • I am worried about.... but I don’t know who to talk to. Can we talk about this?

  • I know you’re busy, but I would like to talk about ... with you. Can we make some

    time to discuss this?